officially in zombiemode.

it just keeps getting weirder. why i make the decisions i make ... HA. AH. i don't know which yet.

the cats are purring, and drinking more water.
we all need hydration.

thanksgiving was cozy and close and fun. i love my sister and my family. i love jenny. i am thankful to have funny and sweet people in my life. i know i don't always say it.

also, on my way home from an evening of laughter, i was thinking about my friends in boston, and just how incredibly talented and awesome they all really are. i am lucky that i get to call these people my friends. i am so proud of each and every one.

i need to sleep.
NOW.
sunday i may be running on empty... but i think it will be worth it.

ok ok ok

trying not to make bad decisions... i am wary of everyone at this point, but mostly myself.

it seems maybe i am not as wise as i previously thought. everything is happening now and all i can do is go along with my life. i know what's important, i really do. it's hard to get back into it after living so long for someone else's happiness. it's really hard for me to selfish. i want to help. i LIKE to help. i need to help. it's in my nature.

but come on now.
this is my life.
MY life.

ehhhhhhh. i am going to do with it what i want. you should, too.

so far, i really like my bedroom.

i have the day off tomorrow and would like to spend it putting my kitchen together, but instead i will spend on lounging on my sister's couch while family car care fixes the volvo's brakes. i guess that's okay, too. after this weekend, i sure could use a day of doing mostly nothing. i am bringing a book. maybe i will take the truck up to haverhill and hunt down a dresser, who knows...

i have so much more to say about so many things, but i don't know if this is the time nor place for it.

karaoke tonight with some booksmithies, it was so fun. the crowd was small but earnest.

we wailed, and the doorknob broke.

people are such fucking assholes. violent behavior is bullshit. zero tolerance.

so i made it.

i am here in JP, thanks to the help of jenny & co. ... and the first night was alright, you know?

it's been a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time since i've had a space of my own. i am not sure how to approach it. and also, the common space? i have so much stuff. shoud i just start taking over? I don't want to be presumptuous and rude! maybe they don't LIKE yarn art!

where is my hammer?

i need light blocking curtains or else i will be up with the sun every morning, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

this day is going to be packed. not sure where to start, but i think getting dressed and hunting down some breakfast might be a good place to begin...

well. i think i am convinced.
no one is ever as honest with their feelings as i am.
maybe this is a problem for ME, but shouldn't it be a problem for THEM?

i just don't feel like being disappointed, or a being a disappointment, again.

the changes are rapid.

next weekend i move. i am excited (and nervous) for the change. and i am going to miss my sister & living with cass, as annoying as she can be sometimes. i am lucky that i am able to stay with her, i know.

and i am lucky that i get to leave, too.

now i just need to wrangle up some strong people, and rent a van. i have saturday AND sunday off, so i should be able to get in and at least make my bed and get the kits settled by monday morning....

i don't want things to fizzle.
burn brighter.

so i am moving to JP.
it's going to be an experience.
i am pretty happy about it.

i picked up the keys today, now the planning begins.
my bedroom is lovely. i can't wait to make it my own.
i desperately need my own space again.

it's a little sad, in a way, but let's face it, i can't live in my sister's house forever.

i like how one week ago i was all YEAH SHIT RULES and now today i am like WTF IS GOING ON and i want to stick my fist up the world's ass.

i have the day off. i am on the northshore.

it's been very easy to let myself get overwhelmed the past few days. we are going into our busy season at work, i am trying to find a place to live, i am having car troubles, i am trying to be social... it catches up. i have a lot of goals, it's true. i know i just need to focus on ONE THING AT A TIME. i can't keep having dreams that my cats are bleeding from their eyes.

today i will try making a list and actually doing the things on it.

(skimming over entries from the previous years, this is all so trivial, i never REALLY GET INTO THE SHIT. should i? who knows.)\

it's amazing how much my life has changed in a matter of weeks.

trying to a find a home is really fucking annoying, and i've barely just begun the search.

i am checking out a place tonight in watertown, right down the street from jenny's house, that seems promising... it will be with two other girls, which will be interesting for me, but at this point, i am open to ANYTHING.

CROSS YOUR FINGERS & SAY A PRAYER FOR ME, thankz.

all i want is a room of my own. is that too much to ask?

don't worry, i've not given up hope. i just wish i didn't look at the room and then be told that they don't want a third roommate after all. such a tease, you know? because i got all excited about the possibilities, and was thinking about how i could rearrange my things...

keep calm and carry on
shit will work out, it always does.

argggggggggggh

the room i saw is a no-go for right now, so i am back to square one.

i will not let this discourage me.

let's talk about how good i feel...

i feel REALLY FUCKING GOOD. there is a lot of uncertainty in my life right now, but it doesn't feel like a bad thing, at all. in fact, i am really excited to see what life holds for me in the near future. i think i've been in a stagnant spot for so long that i forgot what it feels like to have a LIFE, to do things i want to do, to be creative and share it with other people, TO LAUGH, TO DANCE.

maybe it sounds cheesy. but in a way, i feel reborn.

now if only i could find a room of my own...
the turquoise typewriter & the new(old) desk are a match made in heaven.

i am as impatient as a patient lady can be.

i have determined that seasons are crucial to my happiness.

oh yes.
now i recall...

november is when the branches return,
and the partly cloudly mornings can rip my heart right out my chest.

must remember to keep up the stomping and clapping.

i suppose it's important to remember
that i needn't share everything at all times.

i can be selfish with my words now.

i should do this more..
so much is in transition.
i carry the carpet bag everywhere.
this gypsy lifestyle, though tiring, is exciting, for now.

i looked at the room in mission hill. the room is huge.
the vibes of the apartment were practically perfect.
i want to make it my home, now. i am still waiting for the good word. i need to make cozyspace that i can create in. i feel all these juices moving about, i need to direct them.

yesterday was halloween, and jenny & i went to haverhill to junk shop. we did not dress up, we didn't go to parties. we did make chili, drink beer, wear masks, and play awesome music w/ the boys. there was a lot of foot stomping and laughing. also, part of her birthday present was a bonnie-cleaned apartment. i figured i owe her, since she has been letting me crash on her couch whenever i need to, which averages to two or three nights a week, almost... PLUS if you are going to be lame and old and skip out on holiday celebrations in lieu of staying home and getting silly with a few close friends, it's best to do so in a clean home, with a few candles for ambience.

i showed up to work an hour early today, because i forgot to set the time back an hour on my phone. oops. even though i certainly could have used another hour of sleep, i am glad that i get to skip out of work before the sun goes down. and i think on my drive home, i will work on song lyrics.

shit's getting good. finally.