happy couples moving to new towns and homes and painting and making fun plans, and me, well, what about me?

good question.

i am at work today. i've got your books right here.

i don't mean to seem to mopey.
i could really REALLY use a break.

next five days = work

not unpacked
can't find matching socks
everything is a mess
in boxes and bags all over
my sister's house

don't have time for you or anything else

some girl rearended chris on his drive to work today. his volvo is totaled. LUCKILY HE IS OKAY. thank god. i don't know what i would have done if he wasn't.

the past couple of weeks have fucked with my head. if i don't know now what is important to me, than tell me i am a fucking asshole.

seriously.

and though i may write thoughts down now and then, on paper or with a keyboard, this is not anything i want to talk about. i don't want people to tell me it will be okay or chin up or any of that shit. i can do that for myself. i don't really feel like crying on anyone's shoulder.

thank god for volvo safety.
wtf happens now?
what a summer.

you have to seriously question the direction of your life when you wake up and start your day with a cry session.

i talk the talk that i will be fine and everything is great, but in reality, i feel really fucking sad about the state of things. i don't really want to be left behind. i could push that angle, but i am trying to be understanding, and trying to believe that old adage, if you love something set it free blah blah blah blah. i know it's hard to orchestrate a cross-country move when factoring in a lady and her cats....

but come on. when you have been with someone for five years, and spent roughly four of those years sharing a bed every night, when you are best friends, when you become each other's family... it's hard knowing that soon we won't be in the same place, soon we will be very far apart, for an undetermined amount of time. someday soon, when he says goodbye, it won't be just to go to work, it will be to drive away.

how the fuck am i supposed to feel about that?
it really fucking sucks. and all i want is to go with him, and do all the awesome things i want to do, with him close by. we could BOTH live in a camper, with a surf rack. we could make these plans, do these things.. but he can't, or won't, right now. he needs to go, before he starts to hate me for holding him here as long as i have.

shit is so fucked.
if you see me around and i seem down,
just don't ask. thanks.

we saw the boss last night. this was a well-deserved night. i had such a great time, dancing and singing and basically whooping it up. i really needed it. this has been a brutal summer, for both of us, and it's coming to a close with such a strange turn of events and circumstances... i have been thrown for a loop.

but you know, despite all the bullshit, at least we can say, this is the summer we saw bruce springsteen & the e street band. at least we can say that.

i have mixed feelings about moving into my sister's house in gloucester.

i can't let the blues get the best of me this fall.

reading back over the past few years is interesting.

back at work today... not sure if i should be. i am really beat. i hustled this morning and think i depleted my energy supply too soon to make it through the whole day. i have a terrible headache and i dripped horseradish sauce on my lap, thus staining my dress. i hate my hair. everytime i see a pregnant lady or a baby, i nearly burst into tears.

shit sucks sometimes.

i am a delicate flower, asshole.

so i got really sick the day after i had my IUD removed. so sick that my gyno had me admitted to the hospital for three days so that i could have intravenous antibiotics.

i am out now.

but let me say... it's been a really interesting week.

i am physically and emotionally drained. being laid up in a hospital bed with nothing to do but watch shitty tv leaves a lot of time for thinking. it makes you put things into perspective, and think about what you really want. this seems to be the summer for that.... quite frankly it's exhausting and i am looking forward to a more peaceful autumn.

my sister asked me if i was "ruined". the tricky part is, there is really no way to tell until i decide that i want to have a baby.

the whole situation is ironic.
i guess you could say that.
or maybe, just sad.

and after having four different IVs stuck in me over 36 hours because my arm kept getting red and puffy, despite my large and lovely veins (not my own words), i guess i can agree with chris that i am not nearly as tough as i think i am, EVEN if i did go four-wheeling down a mountain.

don't let my rambo-style fool you.



and while i am happy for all the ladies who love their IUDs,
i am no longer sad to not be a part of the club.
if you know the song NYCNY by daryl hall, wait till you hear my song, FUIUD.

(thanks to jenny for the hospital visit, the handmade card with the sad uterus, and the beautiful farmer's market flowers which are now on the mantel at my sister's house.)

bye IUD.our time together was short. while my mind wanted you, my body did not.

i will not feel like a contraceptive failure. i am an all natural lady.

i want hands in dirt.

i went to vermont for lady adventures on monday night. it was GLORIUS. i went 4-wheeling on a crazy mountainside road. i swam at a beautiful waterfall. there was dancing around a campfire and impromptu jam sessions. i had the best time with a dear old friend, and new friends, and i had felt like i was smacked in the face with a wakeup call.

i need to learn how to farm. now.

it's something i've thought about for so long, and i am not getting any younger. what i want to do is this: get a camper for me & the cats to live in (maybe an old travco woooooooo yeah right) and go around wwoofing for awhile. maybe in california, maybe in other places.... learn all that i can organic farming, green building, and sustainable living, and then come back to new england to settle myself and put to practice all that i've learned along the way.


i can't keep making these weird what-if plans.

this is what i want to do.

and while i do it, i want to write, make art, sing songs, and make friends.

chris certainly fits into this picture, if he wants to be a part of it. i would like that. but if he doesn't, that's okay, too, because this is what I WANT. for me.

i haven't figured out the logistics yet, of course, but i have some ideas...

i need hairs cut.

maybe i should start writing something of some importance.
certainly i've got to shit to say about THINGS, and i am not merely filled with useless rage.

had a great jam session with jenny & freddy last night. we are going to keep it up, i think, until i leave new england. it will give me something fun to do while i am commuting to & fro and feeling confused about life.