i shot a whole pack in my 680 yesterday. it felt good to shoot an entire pack and not feel my belly in my feet. i haven't tried my sx-70 since i've been home from florida. i can't bear to know the possibly terrible truth.

i am at work, but i wish that i was vermont with apollo sunshine and TMBG. i jokingly told jeremy that i would go on tour with them as their merch girl. i wasn't really joking.

LISTEN. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.

THREE favorites.

(young linnell = adorable)

some old friends, puppet head, and free beer...

a great way to spend a friday night. INDEED.

the boss will be at gilette stadium in august and guess who is not going? that's right. me.

my cousin's wedding is the same day, and while it might be possible to do two things in one day, we also leave for swans island super early the next morning. i told chris maybe we should skip the wedding, but he, of course, reminded me that that would be a totally shitty thing to do, and, of course, he is correct.

ah fuck it.

take care

with everything.

i went to the doctor today to deal with the matter of my numb left leg. had some blood drawn, next up are the x-rays, followed by chiropractic work and physical therapy. it seems, without using a tape measure, that my left leg is the short one.

i threw out the last cigarette in my pack yesterday morning, having spent monday night convinced that my numbness was due a blood clot or a stroke, and i felt terrible guilt about the damage i've inflicted on myself all these years.

i have a time shortage.

i've been drawing again. it's been awhile. i was reminded of how i once was and thought perhaps i could try again. crayon portraits, triangle cats, ink and wood.... as spring approaches, i get itchy. everyone makes plans, even in their inactivity. the warmth of vacation only makes it colder here, now. i'm tired of layers. my skin is dry, chapped- same with the cats. i think about the dirt and the seeds, keep checking my email for word about the farm in lincoln. i want to write words on paper and photocopy them. i want to paint the walls and write songs. people are leaving again. it happens. maybe someday it will be me. in the meantime, i will just typity type on my dirty keyboard in the dark cave.

i posted the shots that actually came out on squareshots. i am in the process of uploading and sorting through all the pictures from the digital camera. there are LOTS.

would you care to loan me $1000.00?

vacations are great but it took a lot out of me, today, the trip home, the melted cat bubbler, and now remembering that i may have a busted camera.

back to the whole grind of day to day life.

the thing that i like about boston is something that many people hate: the impatience and pissiness. as soon as i got in the volvo and i got on the pike and people were beeping and cabbies were cutting me off, i lit up a cigarette and cursed them out and thought NOW THIS IS HOME.

what the fuck has happened to me?

i don't care. i wasted a lot of film and a lot of money and my cats have major dandruff and there was a piece of poop on the floor. my sentences are all run-ons, we have no food, and i betcha a dollar my scanner won't work properly, but i have pot. welcome back.

it might not be the camera.
it might be the film.
which is bullshit, considering how much it costs,
and it's not as though i can bring it back to a store.
can't exactly fly to denmark and demand a refund or replacement packs.

OHWELL.

just hit up the last salvation army, spent $9.50 on a small pile of treasures.

today is our last day/night here. we went to a nature reserve and saw hawks being fed dead baby chicks. happy easter.

i am going to concoct a punch now to use of up a bottle of dark rum and box of strawberry popsicles.

see you tomorrow night, boston.

my camera died.

booze and sun helped ease the pain.

we are in marathon, florida, the middle key. it's ball soup here. very hot and humid.... i'm pleased. the resort is a funny sort of place. we had to hide in the bushes and sit on milk crates to have a smoke last night. the tiki bar on the beach closes at 9 pm, but the liquor store we stopped at closes at 4am. i've taken a few polaroids so far that i love. my face has more freckles and my knees are burned. the ocean is like a bathtub, the pools even warmer.

this is, by far, the funniest vacation i've ever been on. just being with my sister is humorous enough, but factor in a baby and the whole thing just gets ridiculous. we've listened to the everything is boingo song on my sister's iphone OVER AND OVER AGAIN (it's from the backyardigans, if you are not up on your noggin music) cause it was the only thing that kept cass from screaming on the long drive from fort lauderdale. she did not find flight of the conchords amusing, but she is only one so what can i really expect?

today is only our first full day, and we've swam and sunned ourselves into a stupor. tonight we are hitting up the seafood festival down the street and tomorrow we are going to key west to check out the cats at ernest hemingway's house. we will NOT be swimming with dolphins, as we found out that it cost $155 A PERSON (cass is included as a person) and that is far too much money to spend to be in a pool with a captive dolphin for all of three minutes.

there is a salvation army thrift down the street from the resort. how thrilled am i!

more as the urge strikes....

i went to pick up my allergy shots this morning. it's been awhile since i've had them, before christmas definitely, and i am looking forward to being able to breathe out my nose again. when you pick them up, you have to give yourself a shot there and wait twenty minutes to make sure you don't have some awful reaction, so i sat in a chair in the glass room and read raymond carver. a little boy, maybe six years old, was getting his allergy tests done, and oh man. it was brutal. he was just sobbing, you know the sort of crying when you start hiccuping and coughing. poor little guy. he had his mom and dad with him but they couldn't just rescue him from it, he had to sit there and let the nurse stick his arm with needles over and over again. i was watching him through the window. he was watching the nurse's hand with wide eyed horror every time she brought a needle to his little shoulder. every few minutes or so they would have to stop and his mom would take him into the hallway to calm him down, though it never really worked.

after my twenty minutes was up, and i did not go into anaphylactic shock, i was able to leave. the boy was leaning against the hallway wall, totally distraught, with his sleeve taped up to his shoulder, and his arm marked with the red grid dots of an allergy test, only about half way done. his mom was down on her knees, with her hand on his other arm, saying to him, "you can go to school after this and show everyone your arm and they will all know how brave you are." i wanted to say something to him, but i didn't know what to say, what was appropriate for the moment. i smiled a sympathetic smile at his mother and stepped over her feet as i passed by.

ideally, i would have said something like, "hey kid, don't cry. i know it's scary, but don't watch the needle coming and you will be okay. and when it's all over, you will have a bad-ass looking little arm." and then i would whip this picture from my pocket:



and then i would show him my tattoo and tell him how it wasn't scary at all cause i've had lots of allergy tests and they make you TOUGH. then we would high five, and i would wink over my shoulder at him as i walked away.



i have a funny idea of my life in my head.

i'm getting anxious for spring. i AM going to plant a garden (maybe in the yard, even). i AM going back to work on the farm in lincoln. i MAY get a new bike, depending on how certain things turn out in the next few weeks. i've been wearing my moccasins a lot recently, which means that YES, I AM READY FOR WARMER DAYS AND DRYER GROUND.

i shouldn't have to explain myself.

it seems as though most people i know are going through some sort of major upheaval. i suppose i am, too, though not exactly. for whatever reason, i feel more equipped emotionally than all of them. sure, i get upset, who doesn't... but i am able to find my calm again, always. i don't need yoga or pills or booze. i don't need expensive objects. i don't need wild adventures. i don't need grass, despite my belief that it did help me get through my darkest times a few years back. maybe it's just the fact that i am getting old, but that can't be it either, cause i've seen plenty of people older than me fall completely apart.

it's the past experiences, for sure. it's the shit i've done, not done, lived through, that have resulted in the wise and well-adjusted person you know today. i mean. i'm not saying i've got all the answers, but i've got a hell of a damn lot.

and you can tell me it's all bullshit when i say this, but there are few things, a few kernels that i hold to myself as truths:

honesty IS the best policy (even when it hurts)
patience is a virtue (one of the best ones to have, which lots of people are totally lacking)
there is no such thing as a bad timing and
everything happens for a reason (even if you don't know what the reason is until much later)

so maybe to you it sounds like a bunch of hooey, but for me, it's what i know, and it's how i live.

i just got home babysitting, watched the birds eat suet for a few minutes before i came in the house, and i had an urge to type this all out. at this time next week i will be relaxing in the warmth of the florida keys, but for right now, i am going to scoop cat shit, since the cats can't do it themselves.

vacation is ten days away. thank god.

i'm trying to be a more productive person. so far, it's going well.
i worked on a squareshots a bit. i made a giant pot of chicken lemon rice soup, with the homemade stock i made last week after roasting a chicken. i did a shit ton of dishes. i packed up a package to ship up to the north. i loaded up bruce (my ipod) with new tunes. i paid a bunch of my bills. this is all in the three hours that have passed since i woke up this morning, and only on one cup of coffee. not bad, not bad at all.

the finished product

i feel great.

i get tattooed tonight.