five from monday.

i have a couple hours to kill before i go to work this afternoon. i am going to try and get myself in order.

pancakes for dinner,
pancakes for breakfast,
i see nothing wrong with that.

talk about birthdays happens so much these days, and of course i think about TIME and get angry.

we who tire of weird al
tire of life


i made my first sale on ebay. it felt good. i'd like to do it some more. i think i just may, if i can find the time and motivation.

today i am buying this:



VERY EXCITING.

i just ran out for a minute to get the branches & the sky, and i locked myself out of the house. in a hoodie with no gloves, me and the camera, no phone no nothing. the window that is not sealed up in plastic on the first floor was locked, but luckily i never locked the kitchen window before sealing it up, so i managed to climb back in. now i've got some re-sealing to do. thank god i was careless back in november.
(it was all too cold, served no good purpose.)

animals pictures have been posted.

i see my dad every few months, and every few months he seems to age a few years. last night was no exception. he did have bunion surgery recently, which had him quite seriously laid up due to a short screw, and now he is in the healing phase.
(takes forever, i've been told.) he kept offering to show me his foot, so i know what i have to look forward to. no thanks joe, my imagination and the internet have provided me with plenty of images, i don't need to see your actual frankenfoot.

thirty conversations follow me everywhere now.

bongo-time

i have the best part-time job.

babybabybaby

mind-blowing sort of day.

for many, i think.

change your perspective
accept, commit, accomplish
words are too easy

i let the trial run out and my collections are gone. motherfuck.
one hundred four USD, more time, and i can re-create. god damn.

six-pack
smokes
a squash

i just got home from babysitting.

i just read my new york diary by julie doucet. somehow i have missed out on a lot... good thing camilla is my friend.

every conservation revolves around it.

YOU LOOK TWELVE
but appearances aren't math.

"have you ever considered making your own book?"
a fair question, with no reasonable rational reponse.

gettoit.

i just had a mental explosion. i have red lids and my ear is ringing.
for some reason, i am letting the number get to me. it's time, man. fucking TIME.
i can't get around it, ahead of it, a grip on it. and you can say you aren't old, but you know what?
the number? that number is FACT, it's TRUTH, and it's fucking TIME.
and i can project my unhappiness onto you, until i have you fucking apologizing to me,
but for what?
you have done nothing.
it's all in this head. this big fucking melon atop crooked shoulders.
and fuck all if i was expecting to feel like this.


i never thought about getting night cream for my eyes before until tonight.
and now i am thinking about what that means.

letters flipped sideways don't change anything.

RUSSO'S IS AMAZING. wowowowowowow!
if you have a car, drive there. shop. it's beautiful. it smells incredible. the prices are fair. milk and eggs from MA. prettiest produce, ALL SORTS. cupcakes.

MY EAR IS STILL BLOCKED.
today is my day off and i am considering calling the doctor back, but i don't know. i mean, unless they can stick a tube up nose and drain my head, i feel like it will be a waste of two hours and twenty dollars if they only tell me to keep taking mucinex. i think i can feel the mucus moving into my throat sometimes... other than a sinus headache, i'm not in too much pain, mostly it is just ANNOYING.

plans for the day should include a trip to russo's, laundry, and posssibly an early afternoon viewing of persepolis at the west newton cinema.... of course it all depends on whether or not i decide to take a percocet for my head.

there is really so much i want to do. if i could have time, and money, and my health... well, man.

august, come quick.

yesterday was my first day back at work. it was exhausting and i felt like a zombie most of the day thanks to painkillers. today i am going to try to not take as much.... my ear is STILL blocked though, and my head is all stuffy... i swear. the antibiotics are useless against a viral infection, duh asshole. i am just so tired of this white noise in my head.

i am very groggy this morning. bacon and coffee should help.

i am beginning to feel more like myself,
but i do need to sleep today.

lucky for me that i normally have mondays off to babysit cassidy.
lucky for me that my sister isn't going to work today so i don't have to babysit.
lucky for me that i don't have to leave my house today.
unlucky for chris that he has to.

my ear is still blocked. my sleep was sporadic at best. i took a pill cocktail this morning.

tomorrow i AM going to work, even if it means i need to take percocets at work to get through the day.

thank you, walk-in clinic doctor, for the prescription painkillers.
("we are not fooling around with tylenol.")

i should be at the tavern with my beloved co-workers... instead i am watching america's funniest home videos and wearing sweatpants. at least they are clean sweatpants.

i woke up at 3 am.

going to the walk-in clinic today... i wish i didn't have to drive to cambridge to get there, but oh well. chris would have called in to work and stayed home to drive me if i had asked him to, but i've already missed so much work, it would be a bad idea for him to miss work, too. we are not made of money, by any stretch of the imagination. i didn't have to crawl up the stairs this morning, so hopefully i will be able to drive without veering to right too much. i am imagining all sorts of things that will happen... maybe they can stick a tube up my nose that will drain out my head. that would be fantastic. this pressure is just unbearable. i want to be able to hear again.

tonight is the holiday party for the bookstore, which i am obviously going to miss. i was really looking forward to it. this sucks.

it is saturday, 1:25 in the afternoon.
i should be at work, but my ear has me home.
i am so frustrated. i am wobbly and wonky. the stairs went crooked and i crawled up.
my stomach is upset.
the whole thing... i'm just a mess, really.

chris was late for work because i couldn't keep it together this morning, and i was basically laying on the bathroom floor, crying about being sick and not knowing what to do about it anymore. i mean. i had to call in AGAIN today. FOUR DAYS. i feel like a terrible employee. this is not something i have EVER done. my conscience would never let me. but when you find yourself laying down in the shower.... well. i just can't ignore that.

i called the answering service for the doctor's office, and had a prescription for antibiotics called in. he seemed to think that they weren't that necessary, but then said WHY NOT and prescribed them anyways. typical. whatever i am taking them. i have been sick for an entire week, i will try anything. ALSO he told me that taking so much sudafed probably made it WORSE cause it causes you to dry up, so the stuff in my ear just got THICKER. WTF! i only took the fucking sudafed cause that is what the nurse practioner TOLD ME to do! arkhagrhaghragjrhg. now i am taking mucinex. and i have afrin. my head feels like it is stuffed with kleenex and cotton balls. wet ones. or plaster, maybe. i am leaning towards the right.

it kills me to know that it is a beautiful day out, and i am on the couch, in the dark livingroom, watching PBS and drinking tea.

honestly....
i thought i would wake up today and feel better, or at least, closer to healthy than i've been all week... and for a little while there, i felt okay, aside from sickbelly due to coffee on a empty stomache, and my right ear still being blocked up. i even made plans for guitar hero and diner food with camilla. i just went out to do some christmas returns, and had to cut it short cause WHAMMO my fever is back. seriously now. i have been sick for almost a week straight. i can't remember the last time i was sick like this. it was probably in college, i bet. it's been AWHILE, that's for damn sure. i really fucking hate this.

so now i am home, it's my day off (not that it matters since i called in every day this week. god wtf.) and i have this rager of a headache, not to mention a dull throb in my blocked ear. i cancelled plans with camilly (BOOOOOOOOOOOO. NEXT THURSDAY. IT'S ON!) and stopped at the store for more oranges, which seems to be the only thing i want to eat. Now, more sudefed, and back to bed with the heating pad on my head.

WOE IS ME.
WOE IS ME.

(tomorrow i am going to work if it kills me.)

still have a blocked ear
still have a fever
still feel sick

i have called out three days in a row. my brain hates me, but i have to listen to my body.
it would be nice if it would, in turn, listen to me....

HEY IMMUNE SYSTEM, WHAT THE FUCK?

new pictures on squareshots.
i can scan even with a blocked head,
blockhead.

i finished chris's scarf today while watching my so-called life. he is wearing it now and it looks lovely.

it will be interesting to see how i feel tomorrow. my trip to the doctors was a joke.

i finished this last week:



thanks meghan. i am going to frame it and hang it on the hall wall.

my right ear is totally blocked with mucus. you are so jealous.

today's warm weather is a mean trick.
i called out sick, which i really hate doing.
i slept until 11am, managed a shower and some toast,
and left the house for a quick errand which seemed to take all afternoon, but really i've only been out of the house for two hours. i've got my slippers on, i took the trash out, and a new jcrew catalog came in the mail. now it's time to hunker down on the couch with a mug of yogi cold season, rough tissue and cable tv.

calgon, take me away.

i worked most of yesterday, and babysat all day today. i've been up since 6 am. i can't hear, can't breathe. i am miserable. i just got home, walked into our livingroom that no longer has a christmastree, felt terrible, then realized that i left my giant box of kleenex (with lotion!) at my sister's house in gloucester. motherfucker. there is no way i am going to CVS right now. i will just deal with the terrible roughness of trader joe's TP, and smear vaseline on my nose.

yay.

i managed to work for a total of three and one half hours today before giving in to my germs and going home to sleep. i would have stayed. after six plus years at the hardware store, i have it ingrained in me.. unless you are puking blood or shitting out your mouth, you go to work. so i did. luckily i don't work there anymore, and instead i was told to go home so that i could be rested for tomorrow morning, as i am the sunday opener.

unfortunately, after tea and soup and a nap, i don't feel any better. in fact, i think it's getting worse. i've got the knife-ear real bad. i will take some nighttime flu meds shortly and pass the fuck out.

you know, i just want to be healthy and have time in the daylight. i have six packs of sx-70 blend waiting patiently for me on the bookshelf, next to the lens. maybe next week i will have the time.

chris is out, fetching me kleenex and ginger ale, as well as our pictures from new year's eve, where we used this:



(lomo fisheye!)

looked over my finances this morning... a bad way to start the day.

i returned two sweaters and a tank top and bought nothing else. i am not homeless and naked, i don't need them. i'm just a greedy fucker.

i'm cold.
i can't get myself to drink the whiskey.
i can't get my feet to warm up.

i bought three sweaters today even though i really have no money. credit cards are snapping turtles, bob bittner tells the truth. i am returning two of them tomorrow. i didn't try them on in the store since i just ran across the street on my lunch break to look for jeans but found sale sweaters instead. i had on a billion layers so i just sort of grabbed things. i am an asshole. i tried them on when i got home work, in the kitchen with the heater on and the pizza in the oven, and i am relying on chris's opinion of them, which is that they are just okay, not awesome, and maybe even look a little weird. perhaps i shall try them on again in the morning and look in a mirror just to make sure, cause they FEEL nice and won't make me itch.... oh and anyways if i return them i will get one more of the style which i definitely like. and i bought socks. and two tank tops.

did i mention i am an asshole?

i haven't baby-sat for the pas two mondays. baby-sat? that seems wrong. anyways, that is why i feel extra poor. that's $200 i don't have right now. AND i paid a lot of money to do my laundry at the laundromat, which i have not had to do for a long time.
so i am thinking about this today, and i think about how i am babysitting this coming monday and all the mondays after that, i feel better... so i go and buy a bunch of clothes?! sometimes i can't resist. but i know i will wear them. (go ahead and justify it.)

chris just put festival on. mary travers' mouth is intense.
i love pete seeger. i am going to watch this now.

possible vacations ideas:

- western coast of puerto rico (probably the best idea but also the most expensive)
- dollywood
- a long weekend in capecod for free in the middle of winter
- north carolina? (i just thought of this one when katiemc forwarded me a jetblue sales email)

the more we talk about puerto rico, and the more time i spend researching it, the more i want to go. it would be a little bt more than we wanted to spend, i think, but probably worth the money, considering. sure, cape cod would be fun, but how many times have we been there? we can go there anytime. and it will be cold. i am looking to get away from the cold.

i am so tempted to ask my mom if she can help out. i know that being almost 30, i am too old for that. and besides that, if we ever actually make a big move, i will probably need her help more then.

maybe i will buy a lottery ticket tomorrow.

i have $2 in my wallet, what am i even talking about?

i spent the first day of 2008 nursing a champagne-induced hangover. i'm sure i was not the only one doing so.

i'm not really going to make resolutions, but there are a few things i really should work on this year. one would be to stop biting my nails cause it's a disgusting habit and i hate how my hands look. another is to drink more water- i am like a shriveled old prune half the time. and i suppose one of the big things i would like to change is to stop being such a chicken about things, to take more chances. also, spend less money, save more money, pay of my debts etc etc etc.

okay that list is filled with such typical resolutions. it is now almost a guarantee that i will not succeed.

we still have our christmas tree up. i get so sad at the thought of taking it down. also, we re-arranged the livingroom around the tree, and when we remove it, i fear we will have a big empty space with nothing to fill it.